Why do men look for lovers? The eternal question that thousands of women try to answer, especially those who have experienced infidelity in their marriage.
Both men and women can become unfaithful, but it seems that it is much more frequent in the case of men. That mature married couples have a relationship with another woman has become something that we already call “normal”.
Here are the top 10 reasons why men seek lovers (and some apply to women as well):
1. Lack of communication in marriage
The main reason that explains almost all cases of infidelity in marriage is the lack of communication.
In absolutely all love relationships, no matter how good they are, there will be things that we do not like. When we do not communicate them adequately to the other and we do not look for a solution, they begin to grow and make us feel less and less satisfied at home.
From this disagreement, which can come from many different causes, an emotional void arises and the need to fill it, even with a person outside the marriage.
This does not necessarily mean that there is no longer love, but that the person considers that what they lack cannot be obtained from the partner and, therefore, they look for it elsewhere. With proper communication, this would not happen.
2. Lack of sex in marriage
The second most common reason why men seek lovers is the lack of sex in marriage.
Unfortunately, many times the interest that women have in sex is less than that of men; especially after several years of relationship. It may also be that, in the absence of novelty, the spark of passion simply went out.
Thousands of married couples around the world live practically without sex, which is quite sad because it is an emotional need of both sexes.
However, for many reasons, it is easier for men to find someone outside the home to have sex with since infidelity does not generate as much guilt as women and they are less socially judged.
3. Lack of love in marriage
Not only love keeps two people together. It can also be the economic convenience, the custom or the desire to give a complete family to the children.
In any case, when love ends in the couple, the most logical thing is to seek to cover all those emotional needs outside the home.
Not all marriages that experience infidelity are insurmountable, but sometimes infidelity is precisely the evidence that there is no longer love and it would be best to follow each one on their own.
4. For the thrill of novelty
Having an extramarital affair is not easy or comfortable, generally speaking. You have to move heaven, sea and earth to find excuses and hide infidelity. But even so, thousands of men still choose to have lovers. Why?
One of the reasons is that in every adventure there is a component of excitement and novelty due to the “prohibited” that is very difficult to find in formal relationships.
In addition, lovers often share only the “good” and “fun” things, while at home you have to deal with problems of all kinds. This makes us perceive an adventure as an escape from reality.
5. To reaffirm your manhood
As we have a rather toxic notion of manhood in this society, many men feel that they need to have many women to assert themselves as macho.
Far from causing them shame, guilt or remorse, they boast of their love conquests and, at best, try to keep the wife from noticing it, to avoid claims.
They know that they are doing something that is not right, but at the same time they cannot avoid behaving like seducers because they feel that, if they do not do it, they are “fewer men”.
6. Because they don’t know how to say “no”
Unlike women, men are not educated to be modest and “give themselves respect.” It is easier for a woman to say “no” when a man who is not her husband likes her because sexual self-control has been instilled in her all her life.
Men, on the contrary, are not imposed these barriers and they are allowed to live their sexuality more freely. There is nothing wrong with this, however, it is a determining factor when they accept or not an extramarital proposal.
They may not be actively looking for you. But when the opportunity for a lover presents itself, they don’t have the will to decline the offer.
7. Because they don’t feel appreciated at home
Some men feel that they are not “good enough” for their wives. Especially when they face constant complaints for not carrying enough money or for not being very detailed, whether or not they are justified.
In these cases, it is natural that they are attracted to women who do not demand anything from them because they do not feel any rights over them.
Generally, this is only a fleeting illusion, because although the lovers are not usually demanding at first, as the relationship is consolidated they also begin to request more and more attention, and even pressure them to leave their wife.
8. Because they think that is “normal”
Although things have been changing, previously it was considered perfectly normal for a man to have a “big house” and a “small house”, that is, a wife and a lover.
Not that there were any particular reasons for it. They simply felt entitled to have as many relationships as they could have without conflict. Unfortunately, many men still think this way.
9. To feel young again
One of the most frequent symptoms of the crisis of the forties in men is the need to find a lover. This is because they begin to notice the decline in their physical power and want to prove to themselves that they are still attractive.
In these cases, they are usually looking for lovers much younger than they are.
10. Because they genuinely fell in love
On rare occasions, a man has a lover because the two of them met and fell in love genuinely and unplanned. At the same time, love or duty towards his wife prevents him from making the decision to divorce.
This is something that can happen to all of us, however, it is not that one falls in love from one day to the next and this is sufficient justification for infidelity.
Signs are appearing that tell us that we are going straight towards a falling in love with no return and, consciously or unconsciously, we decide to let ourselves go with the flow instead of putting a stop to it before it’s too late.
Here are some frequently asked questions on this topic to clarify the most common doubts.
What does it mean to have a lover?
A lover is a person with whom we have a love relationship that is not the main one or is “hidden”. It applies both to extramarital relationships and to sporadic relationships to which, for one reason or another, we do not give the recognition of “formal”.
A person can have many (as) lovers and not be unfaithful, because it clarifies that there is no intention of formality with any. The problem is when we have a tacit or explicit fidelity contract with someone and we break it.
What does it mean to be a lover of a man?
Being the lover of a man means that we are a “secondary” relationship or a relationship without commitments or expectations of exclusivity.
What does it mean to be a lover of a married man?
It is when a woman starts a loving relationship with a man who already has a marital commitment. It is very common that the lovers of married men work in the same company or are their direct subordinates.
Why do men look for lovers? An answer from Psychology
Psychology long ago established that human beings are not “monogamous by nature.” This means that we will always be faced with the temptation to seek out other sexual partners.
However, we have also established relationship models in which fidelity is the most practical, as in the case of marriage. In this sense, the advantages of resisting the impulses of infidelity allow us to have more harmonious relationships.
So, according to Psychology, the fundamental reason that explains why men seek lovers is that they do not have a strong enough inhibition not to interact with other women.
Why does a happily married man look for a lover?
Many of the reasons we gave previously have nothing to do with the marriage itself being wrong. Sometimes, even when things are going well at home, men have an irrepressible attraction or desire for other women.
That is why communication with total honesty in the couple is essential so that both parties feel complete and happy and do not need to seek sex, love or attention elsewhere.
Why doesn’t a married man leave his lover?
Because, although having a lover is very exhausting, he feels that the advantages he gets from that relationship outweigh the disadvantages.
It must also be said that, on rare occasions, married men do not leave their lovers because they threaten or blackmail them in some way.
How does a man feel for his lover?
You cannot generalize at this point. Some men feel nothing but the sexual attraction to their lovers and others are genuinely in love with them.
Why does a married man turn away from his lover?
For the simple reason that you no longer get the same pleasure as before from the relationship. It may also happen that you understand that what you are doing is not right and choose to end the infidelity before your marriage is ruined.
Why does a man have a lover for many years?
Because you find a good balance between the advantages you have in your marriage and the advantages you have in your relationship with your lover. It is very common to find that older men have a “small house” and a “big house”.
Does a married man return to look for his lover?
It depends on how you feel about her or the needs you cover with that infidelity. Sometimes they choose to find a different lover to rekindle the feeling of novelty.
Does a married man think of his lover?
Constantly. Looking back at the moments of passion you have lived together is something that keeps you motivated and excited. But they don’t necessarily think of her in strictly romantic terms.
We hope that now the reasons why men seek lovers are much clearer. But remember that the reasons in each situation are individual and different. We cannot generalize in situations as trivial and complex at the same time as this.